Tears - Where I failed?

Taxi ma jam ki --- Diwas kept on thinking for a few minutes then decided not to. Farkida aamla taxima, afailai samjhaudai he headed toward the bus stop.

He was lost in time. Quite a stormy day that was. Except for the lowering sun in the western skies all - wandering cool breeze, addicting those eyes, provoking colorful surrounding, tumultuous cross feelings- spilling from every corner- Reality-challenged imaginations, Restrain-shaking that vibrant presence- were turbulent in provoking his ever-felt so- floating yet firm dream.

He looked outside as the bus stopped. Mount Auburn road aai pugechha. Surya Binayak jada jasto, he was on the trolley bus- number 73. As the bus moved ahead he went back again.

Din thiyo Fau Purnimako. He was on the terrace with his elder sister, Preeti, and her best friend Bhawana. Aaja bihanai Bhawana usko buwale chadne garya mantralayako motorma batama alapatra pareka aawara aankhaharulai jiskaudai sawari bhayeko thiyo Diwasko gharma. So, bihana dekhinai both his sister and bhawana were glowing around the house with their lively laughs. Bihan-bihan dekhinai chhutti ko din pani sutna nadiyera halla gereko sunera mailiyeko Diwasko man bhawana ko pahilo haso le nai dhoisakeko thyo. Without no effort at all, he was separating her heart-tickling laugh waves from those of his sister's that sounded more like some chhachalkida gagri. Within a few minutes, he was in his sister's room holding a cup of tea. Although his sister threw a "what?" look at him, he was blessed with Bhawana's tangent celestial smile. What is love? Passionate surrender? Affectionate sacrifice? Or both? If love meant passionate surrender, Diwas was in; and if love meant affectionate sacrifice, Bhawana was in. If love meant both passionate surrender and affectionate sacrifice, Diwas and Bhawana both were out. Diwas had crossed 17 sarads and Bhawana had crossed 19 of them.

He got off at the Harvard square and took the Redline – inbound.

Tyo fau ko din, the entire neighborhood was colorful. As Diwas was strolling there on the terrace overlooking people walking in groups below on the roads with Preeti and Bhawana, a lot of feelings were crossing his heart and striking his mind. Occasionally few lolas would land close by his sister and Bhawana. Today, Diwas did not feel like going out with his friends for fau. He already had spoken with a couple of his friends this morning to let them know that he is sick and won't be coming out for the fun. Was he sick? Perhaps but not with the type his friends understood.

The train stopped. It was Kendall/MIT station. Diwas's heart pumped a few beats quickly then settled for the normal beats.

It was lunchtime already. After lunch, Preeti and Bhawana disappeared in Preeti's room leaving Diwas's vulnerable thoughts run erratic. Diwas could not understand why is he after something that he does not want to keep. He also knew what he wants is highly risky and perhaps that risk gave him the thrill of his volatile age a fueling boost. Jun taruni dekhe ni bya garam garam lagne rog le grasta Diwas batteling out a defeating struggle.

Spectacular view of Boston skyline couldn't draw Diwas's attention today as the train emerged from underground track to Charles/MGH. He was completely taken over by the day he left behind many years back and never visited to celebrate his "victory".

Around three in the afternoon, Bhawana walked up to the terrace again with Preeti. Diwas was already there. This time Diwas let his eyes follow Bhawana from the background. When Bhawana came to his house with Preeti the first time a couple of years ago, he was somewhat repulsed by the way she was walking- a bit limping. Preeti explained, Bhawana was involved in an accident recently. That limp had basically exhausted its scratch on Diwas's look a long time ago but that fau day his eyes running in the background noticed the limp once again. Diwas subconsciously hesitated. A flying smiling arrow from Bhawana pierced right through his heart astounding his dazed eyes and countered the earlier hesitation.

At Park St., he thought "should I get out here for Govt. Center and take the train from there or should I take Orange line from Downtown crossing?" As he was debating, the train moved on.

Although Preeti did not care, Bhawana was a bit surprised with the silence Diwas was maintaining there on the terrace that afternoon. Diwas was always eager to talk with her and she always enjoyed talking with him. Little did she knew the boy standing just a few feet away is not the boy, Diwas, she thought she knew. Or, may be I am wrong.

He looked at the watch and it was almost 4 in the afternoon. He did not know what did he come this early for? The train stopped. He changed the train.

"Feri chya khani?" Preeti asked Bhawana. "Hunchha", Bhawana said with a killer smile that over flew at Diwas's direction as well. "Ma ni khani", Diwas spoke. Throwing a careless glance at Diwas, Preeti headed downstairs to the kitchen.

Diwas was already prepared. His heart was going wild. Tyo halka hawako madhos jhoka jun bharkharai Bhawana lai chhoyera ranthanidai aayeko hunu parchha Diwas kaha -sunya ma katai bilayo. "Now or never", Diwas thought. A lola fell pretty close by Bhawana almost hitting her right foot. She exclaimed and as she turned back for cover, she found Diwas standing very close to her. Nothing happened except a pair of eyes locked the opposing pair. Bhawana looked just like the setting sun way out there in the horizon in one of those autumn afternoons in Terai. stay tuned.
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Bhawana looked just like the setting sun way out there in the horizon in one of those autumn afternoons in Terai. ------------- Before she could say a word, Diwas took out his right hand full of avir from his pocket and filled in Bhawana's immaculate siudo. Even the sun in the western skies paused and the time stalled. Diwas saw tears welling up in Bhawana's eyes and she stepped back, looked at Diwas one more time with spilling eyes. He stood there like a statue. Bhawana was gone before he could command his senses to work.

Diwas took a long deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. He got off at State station.

Preeti was dead upset with Diwas. When Preeti asked him what did he do or say to Bhawana, "Malai ke tha?" was his answer and even that in irritating tone. "Why did she leave then?" Preeti asked again. This time Diwas did not answer. He always maintained his silence with the argument that if Bhawana wanted Preeti to know then she definitely would have told her what happened. After all, she is Preeti's best friend. Since Preeti never questioned Diwas "how dare you fill in Bhawana's siudo?" he knew Bhawana never told Preeti what happened.

Diwas, himself, never knew the answer of his question "What did he do what he did then for?" He was dead sure, he never saw Bhawana as his wife then- in those days.

Aquarium is where the train was stopping now.

Preeti is in Vermont these days with her husband and a beautiful son, Udaya. Diwas is a big fan of his Udaya bhanja. Just a thought of Udaya brought smile on his tensed heart and mind.

Obviously, Bhawana almost stopped coming to Diwas's house after the incident. Diwas also withdrew and never chased the dream he woke up from.

It was a cold February afternoon in Boston. As the train moved toward Maverick station, he started to sink within himself.

Preeti always wanted Bhawana to marry someone from the pool of her relatives so they could be relatives and friends for all their life. She tried hard and it was yesterday, not exactly but it certainly seems/feels so, Diwas came to know that Preeti, in fact, found a guy for Bhawana. Prakasdai and Bhawana got married rey. Diwas was already in the US so did not see Prakasdai traditionally honoring the siudo he once violated. "Good for her", Diwas felt, really.

The train stopped at the Airport station. Diwas kept on staring through the window to nowhere for a few moments before recollecting his thought and actions together.

Diwas's "good for her" wish couldn't remain valid for Bhawana for that long. As he came to know that Prakasdai was not that interested in Bhawana from the beginning and after three daughters together, he quit blaming her subtle limp and incompatibility to anonymity. Prakasdai's whereabouts is unknown till this date to the concerned parties. Diwas felt more for Bhawana than for Prakasdai, who, Diwas felt, was guilty beyond any reasonable doubt. Society was extremely conservative in condemning Prakas but was higly liberal in slamming Bhawana for the failed relationship. Preeti was terribly saddened by the turn of events that affected her best friend's life so miserably. What else could Diwas do except for blaming his helplessness and Bhawana's fate? He did what he could. At least, so he thought.

He unquestionably shared the happiness with Preeti when she called a few months back to share joyous news. "Bhawana got the DV lottery," she sounded so happy. He immediately volunteered to sponsor her and her daughters and he did.

"Diwas, we are coming there to pick Bhawana up on the 22nd of February," Preeti called a month ago. Diwas was quick in thinking. He responded, "jado ma bhanja liyera aaunu parchha—feri weather ke kasto hunchha—hiu siu paryo bhane—ma lyaidimla ni tyaha hunna?" After a few minutes of conversation it was settled that Diwas would pick Bhawana and her daughters from the Logan airport and would bring them to Preeti's place.

Now, Diwas had already left the Blue line and was walking at the airport. He looked at the watch. He was about an hour away from Bhawana's arrival. He didn't know what to expect. He was meeting her the first time after that fau incident. He never thought he would, one day, be receiving the dream he once commanded with open eyes.

Reining his melting heart, Diwas directed a question to his mind. What is Bhawana's status now? Who is she to me? She is still legally-socially married to Prakasdai. So, is remembering her as his dream and letting his heart feel the way it is right now equivalent to violating her "married" status? What is a married status, anyway? His heart questioned even before the mind could answer. His heart was constantly defying the restraining orders his mind was pressing on with vigor. He was feeling desperately hurt in the struggle where his heart was fighting from one side and the mind from the other. Diwas, while in Nepal, never wished Bhawana to be his wife, so he couldn't understand what the current struggle is all about after all these years and does this struggle even have any merit for relevance and validity? This question went unanswered but remained active.

It's about time for the flight to land. He looked at the monitor for the status. It still read "on time". "Fifteen more minutes" he murmured as his heart tried to take off.

There she was. Diwas only saw her and nothing/noone else in the entire airport as she walked toward him. He felt like he was flying. Although he did not notice if she was walking with her usual subtle limp, he quickly noticed the glorious Siudo he once attempt to defend did not exist anymore.

He tried to remain calm but he could see his coat throbing on the left side of his chest-courtesy of his wildly drumming heart. Finally, he started to see other people and things around. He moved forward with a smile. Why was he so happy to see her? Was he trying to patronize her for the failed marriage?

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Was he trying to patronize her for the failed marriage?

For a fraction of a second she looked into his eyes. Thunder roared with lightening flash. She held her three daughters close to her and softly asked them to do Namaste to Diwas. He did not even notice when the tears rose to his eyes. He looked at those there pairs of innocent eyes. This time he failed to understand the rise of his tears.

Diwas wanted to apologize to Bhawana for that fau incident for a long time now. It was really bothering him for committing such nonsensical act that afternoon. It was one of the main reasons why he wanted to receive Bhawana before Preeti did. Goosebumps ran all over the body as he unintentionally touched her hand while managing her luggage. He hailed a taxi. Most of the time, Bhawana kept quiet. He was trying his best to answer endless questions about buildings, roads, or just about anything those young girls had. He was really enjoying the conversation he was having with those seven, five, and three year-olds. Those girls were Bhawana's daughters, just Bhawana's. Prakasdai did not exist for Diwas.

Diwas had prepared everything before leaving for the airport for the evening. As soon as they got to his place, he called Preeti. Bhawana and Preeti talked for a while. After many years Diwas heard the same celestial laugh. The same Bhawana was there. The same? He thought so.

After dinner, Bhawana went with the kids to the bedroom. The living room was his bedroom tonight. He was supposed to drive up to Vermont to Preeti with Bhawana and daughters tomorrow. The bedroom door was closed. He could not apologize today. Never had the chance.

Diwas turned on the TV with quite a low volume not to disturb his guests but to redirect his mind somewhere else. Few minutes passed by-- Bhawana came out. Diwas immediately grab the remote and turned the TV off. She sat on the other sofa. Diwas felt thousands of ants crawling inside him. She broke the silence by asking how is life treating Diwas? Diwas, honestly, did not know the answer but gave positive remarks. He couldn't ask the same question for he knew the life has been rough with her. After talking about some formalities, she was a bit opening up with smiles. Then without wasting anymore time Diwas, unexpectedly, said in his humble voice, "Bhawana, I sincerely would like to apologize for what I did that fau ko din to you. Even though, what I did may be inexcusable, but I beg for your forgiveness. I did not MEAN what I did…". He was not done yet but Bhawana lost all her smiles and tears started to gather in her eyes just like on that fau day. Diwas panicked---he tried to reinforce "I swear Bhawana--I NEVER looked you that way—" He could not complete. She got up and before Diwas could assess the situation, she was gone to the room. Diwas failed to understand why the same scene reinstated.

Although the tears may have looked the same then and now, they did not mean the same thing. Diwas failed to understand them then, failed to understand them now. Entangled emotions will never be solved just by questioning, "where did I fail?" He was only apologizing. True, but little did he knew the apology was never due- not now not then. What Bhawana had hoped and wished even then and also now was the reinforcement not rescission. I wonder if Diwas will ever understand this, or should he?
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