Defeated Victory

Light breeze passed by slightly teasing me and I kept on loitering not knowing what I was loitering for. "Really, what do I want here?" I asked but knew there are two answers as always to this question. "Nothing" and "everything". Interestingly, between these two answers my present world exists. Suman came. Let's sit there. Mandir ko sidhi is what I understood.

Yes, this is the same place. I may be "Who?" for many people around here nowadays but this place never questions me. It has seen me grow and play here. It has seen me cry and laugh. It is the only witness beside me on so many accounts of my early life. This place is the best confidante I can ever have. Knows everything but never betrays. I am indebted forever. It treasures my memories more than I do.

I sat by the temple and looked around. I encountered more new faces than the recognized ones. Even some of those that I recognize try to sharpen their eyes by squinting a bit to focus at me before saying "thik thak?" with a smile and hand gestures. I had a nonverbal reply for that "a readymade smile with a nod". This sojourn is not to exchange formalities here. I have come here to find myself. I have lost a part of me here. Right here. Yes I have. Sun did rise and set thousands and thousands of times since then but could not wear me out. Thousands of time rain washed this place since then but could not wash me out. I can clearly see what I have lost here. Yes I can clearly see. But I can't have it now.
**
"Sumi chha?" She came asking for my sister. She must have seen her leave. I was walking down the stairs when she entered. "Chha?" she asked again. May be she does not know. I gave her the benefit of doubt once again and said, "chhaina". "Kaha gako?" She asked again. "Mama ghar" I casually answered. She was standing by the door and I was about to exit "Kahile aauchha?". I smiled and asked "Kina chahiyo?". A vermillion hue ran through her face and lingered particularly around her dimpled cheeks a bit more. "Kina na kina" she looked at me very briefly. I noticed her mellowing but sparkling pair of eyes hit mine rather strangely. She dropped a piece of paper and ran out.
Yes, I was right in guessing. She must have seen Sumi leave. I picked up the paper. My first love letter. I was 15 then. I felt my heart was following the pattern of hadigauko jatra baja. "Taku ta takujhya jhya jhya". I was the happiest boy alive.
**
That day, it was around 5:10 in the morning and I was as always waiting for her by the door. We were into morning walk those days  every Saturday morning. If I were to walk with anybody else at 5 o'clock in a Saturday morning, I definitely wouldn't have. But, with her? Any time anywhere. She came out with her younger brother and mom. No, mom was not going with us. Her mom said, "Come back by seven hai". We all said, "has". Her brother was quite friendly with me and probably knew what his sister is up to. He was a bit moody too. He used to get mad pretty easily but I guessed he never went against her. Whenever he got mad, he used to call me "Deep" not Deepdai. But every time he called me "deep" and if she was around she would say "ye! deep bhanchhas?"
Then he would ask "ke ta bhinaju bhanne?". She used to smile at that but occasionally would say "ahile pitai khalas hai".

That day, we three were walking to Neelsaraswoti. We took Bhatbhateni pachhadiko galli then came out to cross baluwatar-gairidhara road and continued toward Neel saraswoti. Her brother was walking few feet ahead of us and took that right turn then disappeared. As soon as he disappeared, she held my right hand and looked at me. "Ma po nervous bhai ra". I looked at her. She was and still is the most beautiful person I ever saw. We walked hand in hand for about ten steps then as I realized her soft grip is provoking me wildly. So, I asked her to let my hand go. She said, "If this is the hand I have to hold tomorrow forever then why would I let it go now?" I never forget this.

I don't how three years passed by in three days. I really don't know. But they did. I was a fool. Yes I was. Whose fault was it? ---Then ten years passed. I spent those ten years far-far away from this place. Far away? Not really. My mind never left the place. My heart used to bit once here and once there.
**
"Are you sure?" I asked Suman. Suman knew almost everything between her and me.
"Yes" he said.
Suman and I were still sitting on the steps to the temple. "Did you tell her about me?" I asked. "No" he said.
I wanted to apologize. I had to meet her.
Few more minutes passed by. I was growing restless.

She came out in fire engine red shari, matching blouse and bangles holding a pooja ko thali. I recognized. I certainly did.

As she came closer and closer, I felt like somebody lit my heart. Felt like I am going to explode. "Sumandai" she released her celestial smile at Suman and took another step up and took one more then took off her sandals and moved on. Soft breeze teased me once again with her fragrance. "Am I invisible?" I questioned to myself.

I kept on looking at her sandals. With devotion, I wanted to kiss those. I felt suman's hand on my back. We both were quiet. A couple of minutes lingered as a couple of years then she came back down. Put her sandals on. Exchanged few words with Suman again. I was sinking. I didn't exist. No, I didn't.

She left. I saw how she is going away once again. She was holding poojako thali with her right hand because that left hand that held me once and wished to hold me forever was free and teasing me. Then suddenly looked back. With a lightening speed, a thunder bolt struck me. There was no anger. She moved on. "Did she even smile?" God knows.

I sank and sank for good.